Lighter Post

It seems a lot of our posts are heavy lately so I thought I'd do a fun one. :):):)

I got these out of the latest issue of Reader's Digest. I thought these were hysterical (or at least mildly humorous) so please enjoy...(I chose my top favorites to post here.)


STAND-UP COMICS' FUNNIEST ONE LINERS

I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.
-Caroline Rhea

Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin

In high school, my sister went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him. They figured that any guy that took hours to make a move was okay with them.
-Brian Kiley

So they're showing me, on television, the detergents getting out bloodstains. I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it. Maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.
- Jerry Seinfeld

At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted? I think around seven because that's when they start wondering, "Hey, I don't look like the Kiwanis Club."
- Zach Galifianakis

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominate species. That may be, but I think there's one other thing: We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I wear a scent called "new car interior."
- Rita Rudner

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.
- Jeff Foxworthy

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?....

Women don't want to hear what you think.Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice.
- Bill Cosby