call for desperate measures.
And we have reached one of those in childtraining.
One of our older boys has become horribly disrespectful lately. This is the child who would argue with a brick wall if he thought he could win. I get easily caught up in arguing back. I want him to understand. I want him to use his mind. Instead it was turning into ugly arguments that I certainly didn't need to be having with him.
Personally (and I know people who disagree) I think that it's good to explain the whys of parenting. I want my kids to understand WHY I am telling them to do something so that they can start to make wise, thoughtful, decisions themselves. This does not mean that I don't play the parent card. (Because I said so! That's why!) I do, but a lot of the time I do tell my boys why the rule is what it is or the command is what it is. I DON'T do that with toddlers. That would be a waste of time. :)
Most of the time my kids don't even have to ask why because I've already included it in the command. example: "Go put your pants on before we leave because it's cold outside."
Anyway, lately, the why explainations have only given him further grounds to try to argue his way out of something or explain WHY he won't do it or doesn't want to do it. I am quick to catch the word, "No!" said by a defiant child but since he was being more subtley defiant I didn't always catch it before I got sucked into an argument. The proper response is, "Yes, ma'am, yes sir." That's it. We have told him this over and over. Any other response is disobediance. Today I realized that I would have to go one step further. I told the child that for a while I would be offering NO explainations. He would just have to be ignorant of the WHY because he was arguing instead of learning the reasons behind things.
This is an example of before today...
(S will stand for son here)
Me- S, go put pants on before we go. It's cold outside.
S- But I don't get as cold as you. (which is true) Can't I wear shorts?
Me- No, you just got over being sick.
S- But I'm not sick now.
Me- I know but you're still wearing pants now go and change.
S- But it's hot outside.
and on and on ad nauseum.
Generally speaking I state why so they will learn. I explain that pants are worn in cold weather so that we don't get chilled and our bodies don't fall prey to bacteria. :)
This is how the conversation should have gone.
Me- S, go put pants on before we go. It's cold outside.
S- But I don't get as cold as you. (which is true) Can't I wear shorts?
(said as he is ON HIS WAY TO OBEY)
Me- No, you just got over being sick.
S- Yes, Ma'am! (cheerfully running off to obey)
This is how the new system works...
Me- S, go put pants on before we go.
S- Yes ma'am.
Well, that's how it's supposed to work. We are in the beginning stages. This is what it looks like right now...
Me- S, go put pants on before we go.
S- Why?
Me- You are not getting a reason. You just have to obey. Now, go put on pants.
S- (SIGH) Okaaaay
Me- Excuse me?!
S- Yes ma'am.
Me- That's better. Hurry up we have to go. :)
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4 comments:
Good Luck with the new system! I am a big explainer and while it has its merits, it can generate some extremely... let's say "inquisitive/argumentative" kiddos. I struggle with when to explain and when to demand blind obedience. I think your system is a great solution to an overly argumentative season in a kids life !!
Ugh, we are struggling with Lauren right now....everything is "In a minute!!" I totally understand where you are coming from!!!
My youngest (19months) is still in the unreasonable tantrum stage. Looking forward to future updates.
Been there, done that. My first born would have eargue with a light post- and one that was in agreement with him. He is now a delight. Not perfect, but a far cry from that argumentative child we used to know. Keep up the good work.
Terry, I don't know if you ever read Raising Godly Tomatoes website or not, but Elizabeth has some GREAT advice for dealing with tantrums. We used it some of it on Lyra when she was in that stage:):):). If you are looking for fresh training ideas, it's a good read.
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