I've been wanting to "talk" about this topic for awhile but I was too insecure before. :) (insecure about what people would say/think) Now, I don't care as much because
#1- It's my blog and I can post my opinion if I want to.
#2- I'm more secure in how I personally feel about it.
I've been thinking about this for about 8+ years now so it's been rolling around in my mind for a good long time. (not everyday but when the subject would come up) Are you curious yet? I would be...
I have noticed that when the topic of sex in Christian marriage comes up that, most often, women will talk about not telling their husbands no when they ask for sex. I have even heard that it is a sin to EVER tell your husband no if he wants to. That has never set well with me. I realize that most of the women are using the verse where Paul is saying this
"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5
I agree that we should "come together" regularly. It is good for the relationship. It's also a good way to guard against temptation (as Paul pointed out). BUT, I believe there should be mutual respect involved.
What if the wife was sick and she just couldn't bring herself to engage that night/day. Would that be a sin to say no?
And NOBODY I've ever heard has ever brought up, "Well, I asked my husband to "spend some time together" last night and he said no so he sinned against me.
It's almost like we owe it to our men but they don't owe it to us because we, as women, "don't need it as much" mentality.
If you read the Scripture though it's showing both husband and wife are not to deny the other.
I'm thinking that culture plays a big part here. We've been told over and over that men need sex and women generally don't but I don't think that's always the case and I think this discussion can get very one sided very quickly. (the side where women must always indulge the man)
Do I think you should always try to accommodate him? Yes.
Do I think it's a sin if you can't a particular night? No.
Do I think it's wrong to deny him over and over? Yes.
I guess what I'm saying here it that if our bodies aren't our own once we marry we should still walk in love. If one partner doesn't feel up to it, give the other a rain check and snuggle.
I spent YEARS feeling guilty if I ever said no and you know what he finally told me one day, "Honey, I would rather you just say no if you really don't want to." What I was trying to do was die to myself but I was getting all emotionally/physically worked up because I was afraid of sinning if I said no. I wanted to be there for him but during pregnancies (for the first few months of each one) it was pretty near impossible. For a couple of pregnancies if I had to sit next to a person and they touched me with their skin I would have to hold back vomit. (my kids didn't bother me so much. I made myself hug them. )
I was so relieved when he told me to just say no.
I just think that sex should be a relationship like the rest of marriage- love and mutual submission. My husband didn't want me to stress about saying no (or maybe it was just more stressful on him-heehee) but told me that it's OK to say no sometimes. (not every time obviously) I don't stress if he says no. I think to myself, "He must have had a long day." or whatever.
Sex isn't something that doesn't have a person attached to it. It's not just an act. My husband's body is mine but he still lives in it and I want to respect his feelings, exhaustion, illness, etc.
I guess I just don't understand why this subject isn't more 2 sided (not girl submission only) and why people don't talk about respect and understanding in the sexual relationship more.
Anyway, that's my 4 cents worth.
Keep in mind that I'm not saying we SHOULD deny our husbands or that we should say no a lot. I'm just talking about occasionally or when circumstances prevent it.
I'm just talking about mutual respect and treating the sex part just like any other part of the marriage- with a person attached to it and not just as an act.
Have a good day everyone!
-Angela :)
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9 comments:
Great post Angela. I will tell you a funny story. Will and I had planned a night not to long ago to, well, to spend some quality time together. We had set aside the night a few days in advance. But when the day came, I ended up working a really long shift, short-staffed and had to get up early the next day for school. I was exhausted! But I didn’t want to hurt my hubby’s feelings or ditch our date night. So I came home and got ready and didn’t mention how tired I was. But then we were on our way upstairs and all i wanted to do was sleep and my selfishness took over. I said, “I’m sorry, I’m just so tired.” I prepared myself for forthcoming spat. But instead he went, “Oh thank God, I’m exhausted!” So, we high-fived each other and happily went to bed! :) I thought it was sweet that we were both willing to forgo our tiredness for each other, but in the end we both decided if we weren’t feeling up to it, we should just say so.
I have SO been there done that. LOL
Thanks for the story.
I agree with you that this "issue" needs to be more 2 sided. I would even take it a step further and say that this is about human decency and respect beyond even just the "scriptural mandates" (often made by a single man btw). Sex is important but not necessary. Marriages exist without intercourse. The real thing is that we need to have moments of intense intimacy and sometimes selflessness is required in order to prioritize that in our marriages. But both parties need to be respectful of the other.
I agree with you that this "issue" needs to be more 2 sided. I would even take it a step further and say that this is about human decency and respect beyond even just the "scriptural mandates" (often made by a single man btw). Sex is important but not necessary. Marriages exist without intercourse. The real thing is that we need to have moments of intense intimacy and sometimes selflessness is required in order to prioritize that in our marriages. But both parties need to be respectful of the other.
When a couple has a healthy relationship with mutual respect for one another, saying "I'm just too tired" is okay. There is a difference between feigning a headache every night for a month straight and having occasional times when the stresses of life really make it difficult to get in the mood on a particular night, or even during a particular week, as you noted. That said, if we find that our lives are consistently so full and stressed that we never have the energy for intimacy with our mate, then we need to re-evaluate or schedules, commitments, or whatever so that we can have something left over to give to the person we are supposed to love most.
Good thoughts Terry. :) Thanks for weighing in.
I agree - a woman should be able to say no.
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