Child Training Question Answered

I got this email from a sister in Christ.
Names have been deleted to protect privacy. :)


> I am writing to you because I need some advice from weathered souls who train their children well (at least as far as I can tell from your blogs!! :) )
>
> -----has started pushing down ---- brother.
>
> I have a number of responses, all of which work temporarily. I was wondering though, what do YOU two do to raise kids who respect each other? And how do you deal with physical tussles, etc?
>
> If you have time, I'd really appreciate hearing your wisdom. Hey -- you could blog about it!! :) :)
>
> THANK YOU!!!
> ----------


edited to add:
Before I start I just want to say that I don't even consider myself a very good child trainer. I make so may mistakes...BUT I do try hard. :) Well,


first of all, I am honored...heehee

Second of all, the advice I will give you is only what I have learned from watching godly women raise godly kids.

We had the same pushing issue with our first two. In fact we had much more than that. The first (who deals with anger on a regular basis) was jealous of the second and also just wanted to exert his older brotherness. (not a word but you know what I mean.) He was also just a rough kid all round. He likes to push/shove/play rough. Two of my friends observed this when he was around 18 months- 2 and said to me, "you need to train him to be gentle". I was worried because I didn't want him to loose his "boyness" by only being gentle. The first friend (who has SEVEN boys by the way) said that I wouldn't be taking out any testosterone but I would be training his heart. She also showed me through her own training that everything you train stems from a heart issue- obedience-authority, rebellion hitting, taking angrily- not loving others. Basically in everything she trains she explained that they are training their boys to obey God. They want them to learn to obey quickly so that when God asks them to do something it would just be second nature.
The other friend said that, at that age, I needed to discipline him EVERY time he wasn't gentle, because at that age they cannot understand the difference btwn circumstances. I balked at that and didn't do it. I tried it my way (disciplining only when I thought he was being mean) and it failed miserably. Finally, I tried what was suggested and, wouldn't you know, the mother of 6 was right. lol BTW- Now, the older boys (4 and 6) are allowed to wrestle because they know the difference btwn play and unkindness. (and I'm right there to stop it the minute it starts to change from fun to anger- other moms with boys will know exactly what I'm talking about)
Basically at every moment of every day the boys and I are learning to prefer others. I constantly correct behavior that is selfish. The Holy Spirit will show you things that are selfish that you never dreamed of. :):) We talk about the Bible saying to love one another. We talk about how that looks, practically speaking. We talk about ways to love others. I have also learned some good tips over at Catrina's blog that I have used...sitting down and thinking of 3 nice things you can say to your brother, etc.
You can also get them involved in serving the other more. I take many opportunities to ask one brother to go help the other (even if they want me) and that forces them to work together. That has gotten better in terms of going from grudgingly doing it only because Mommy said, to (at times) genuinely wanting to help the other.

Sometimes kids just need a bit of time apart. Our older boys grate on each other. They are best friends but also they drive each other NUTS. I remember when a woman (whom I consider to be wise and very Godly) in my church gave this advice , "How much time are you requiring your kids to play together- all day? I don't know about you but I'm not that Godly. I, as an adult, would have trouble being with someone 24/7. Give them breaks from each other." This has worked in our house. If they are treating each other unkindly in the way they are talking/interacting and multiple corrections haven't phased them then I say to them, "You are not treating your brother kindly. You are not showing love to him. You brother is a gift to you from God and you need to treat him that way. Since you are not, you may not play together for awhile. You need to see what it would be like without a brother." It takes about 10 minutes of separation before they are BEGGING to be rejoined. :) If it hasn't been an all day battle and I notice they are just tired/irritated with each other a little I say, "Hey guys why don't you just do something separate for awhile."

How I discipline depends on the offense...If they are talking unkindly or rudely to the other I have them place their hand over their mouth for a few minutes to help them remember to speak kindly/respectfully. If they are irritating each other and they've been together for a few hours- a bit of time apart. Some of you will not agree with this one but how we deal with all deliberate physical meanness is a sound spanking. :) It seems a bit backwards for our minds to conceive why you would reward violence with "violence". Believe me, the boys know the difference btwn hitting someone and a spanking. Spankings are supposed to be calm and deliberate and not a knee jerk reaction. The knee jerk reaction would confuse them but done in a proper way, spankings are not the "evil" our society claims they are.

Basically just ask God to show you the times your kids are not preferring others over themselves. He will show you yourself at the same time so be prepared to deal with that too. LOL

I am not a naturally savvy child trainer. If is were up to me I would have permissively parented my boys into total rebellion and myself into an asylum no doubt. :) I have just been blessed to be able to listen to and watch other godly parents train, see the fruit, and want that for my own kids. All kids have a sinful nature. It's a work in progress. (aren't we all) but we must be diligent in training their hearts. All training needs to be in the midst of tons of family fun, laughter, learning about God together, many snuggles, etc. :) (I am reminding myself as well)

Hope this helped a little.
Blessings!